Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: June 2015

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Of Windmills and Woes

If we were having coffee, I'd be playing 'hide n chat' this week... blabbing (nervously) about your drink preference, how your weeks been, how long the kettle's taking to boil... windmills - I like windmills I do, lets talk about windmills, do you like windmills, come see my windmills.

Every silence would get a babble, an anxious, smiley, bubbly babble... and I'd be wishing you'd talk about you.

I'd drag you outside to see ALL the windmills, babbling the old, the sentimental, and the new... you'd be wishing by now you'd gone to star bucks...alone!

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how incredibly tough (special needs) parenting has been this week...

I wouldn't tell you how many times 'Littlie' has morphed from 'absolute Joy' into 'absolute nightmare', on a day to day (often hour to hour) basis, and how mind blowingly difficult it's been not reacting to her meltdowns with a few (there's only so much I can take) meltdowns of my own... how tough it's been keeping the 'me' that's not 'Mummy' in check.

Littlie has more than enough to deal with, none of it her fault, the last thing she needs, is the me that's not 'Mummy'... especially in response to the 'She' she can't help.

{Littlie (you may already know) is 9 years old, and was born with a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome), which affects her both physically and mentally. She has global developmental delay, hypermobility, OCD,  and Tourettes (amongst other issues) ...I won't bore you the symptoms, the list is seemingly endless.}

If we were having coffee, I might explain her disability (if you asked), I'd even touch on how challenged/challenging she can be... but mostly, I'd tell you how funny she can be, how engaging, and affectionate she can be, what a wonderful character she far she's come, how hard she tries... and how much I love her!

I couldn't love her more if I tried!

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how debilitating my own disabilities (fibromyalgia & mental illness, exacerbated by grief) have been this week... how hard it's been to think positive, speak positive, do positive...because no one likes negative, right?

I wouldn't tell you how confusing it is, to be Mum, to be wife, to be friend; just to be... in a world that chugs quickly, pulling me (inwardly screaming) along with it.

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't ask you for a hug, despite needing one, desperately... because, in a hug I'd blub, lose control, spill 'ALL the things', scary things, big things; too big to blab things... I can't do that, no, I can't do that.

I prefer hugging to hugged.

If you needed a hug - if you were upset?... Oh, I could do that, yes, I could do that... I can always do that.


If we were having coffee, and I had added my woes to my windmills, you might not believe me anyway; because I'd be wearing a smile, long sleeves, and a face full of make up - chatting about windmills, 'absolute joy', and you...

...because, it's easier (and fairer) to share 'absolute joy' than it is to share 'absolute nightmare' - easier to play 'hide n chat' than it is to play 'chat the crap' - safer to talk windmills than it is to talk woes!

Oh, and because I'd quite like you to come again... :)

If we were having coffee, I'd ask how you were, and wonder, does your "I'm okay" mimic mine!
Do you play the game too? are you playing it now? Filling silence with babble... sunshiny, smiley, bubbly babble... wishing I'd talk about me.


Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

P.S... Littlie is currently presenting (at time of kettle boiling)... as 'absolute joy'... long may it last :)

P.P.S... I'm adding this post to the Weekend Coffee Share, linky/bloghop... the brain child of 'Part Time Monster'. You can read other Coffee Shares, and/or add your own ((HERE))


Related posts...

Sunday, 21 June 2015

You know where the kettle is :o) #WeekendCoffeeShare

If we were having coffee I'd point you in the direction of the kettle and the cappuccino cupboard, and ask you to make me one while you're at it... Don't look at me like that...It's been a long day ;o)

If we were having coffee I'd tell you how grateful I was when my Mum and her partner picked 'Littlie' up, and took her to Church with them this morning... I'd tell you (perhaps you already know) that today was the first Fathers Day I've had to get through without my Dad... I'd tell you how tough it's been, how achingly Dadless I've felt, how hard it's been to do the 'Mum thing' much I needed those couple of child free hours this morning.

I'd tell you that my 'Littlie' had a fab time with the Nannies, and that by the time she came home this afternoon I was needing the 'Mum thing', just as desperately as I'd needed a break from it this morning.
I'd tell you how welcome her distracting chatter was, how much I enjoyed (albeit sleepily) reading to her this afternoon, and again this evening... and how grateful I am for Enid Blyton's imagination... I'd tell you that it's impossible to grieve when you're up 'The Faraway Tree'... and that while up there, we were...FREE!

If we were having coffee I'd ask you to nip out and turn the sprinkler off for me, and if you happen to spot any dog poo while you're out there, be a love and pick it up... bags are in the draw... no, not that draw, the one next to the microwave ;)

If we were having coffee we'd need a top up around now... you know where the kettle is ;)
While waiting for the kettle, we'd stand at the back door and I'd point out all of the little solar lights that are now doted around the garden; in memory of Dad.
Coloured fairy lights in the trees, hanging baskets and bushes... solar cubes, dragonflies, and stakes in the beds...the crystal balls that are hanging from the fence, like diamonds in sunlight-colour changing at night.
I'd tell you that later tonight (when I wake her up to change her pad), I'll take Little through to my room where the window overlooks the garden, we'll climb onto my bed, cuddle up, pull back the curtain, and... 'Christmas in June' will light up her eyes.

I'd tell you how Iv'e tried (and failed) to capture the lights on camera, how much I'd love to share the magic on the blog, and I'd ask you if you have any idea how to photograph fairy lights at night.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you how proud I am of Littlie this week, she (you may already know) is almost ten years old, and is disabled... she struggles (greatly) with tasks that would usually come easy for a child her age.
Well, this afternoon (for the second time this week) she managed to get the washing from the line. It took her an incredibly long time, and her legs gave way before she could finish, but... she did it...reached up, manipulated pegs (or, yanked when all else failed) and loaded the laundry bag... :)
She was so chuffed with herself... "all by my own self'".

If we were having coffee, we'd take our drinks, the biscuit tin (and in my case cigs) out to the patio now, I'd puff, you'd dunk, (or puff, or both) and we'd talk about you for a while.

How's life treating you?


Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

P.S... Who's turn is it to put the kettle on? ;o) 

P.P.S,,, Weekend Coffee share is the brain child of Part-Time Monster Click here to go to the link up

Related post: Of windmills and woes

Friday, 19 June 2015

A love Letter... A Thank you... & some recycling. (a #1000speak post)

I wanted to (tried to) write something new for #1000speak this month, it's a stunning movement, and one I feel incredibly proud to be a part of; but (as some of you already know) my Dad passed away a few weeks ago, and with Fathers Day just around the corner and my head still so full of missing/wanting/needing Dad; I'm finding it hard to think about (or write about) much else.

However, I did find (whilst surfing 'compassion' on the net, hoping for inspiration) a beautiful 'Love Letter to the World, so beautiful, that I thought (rather than cop out altogether this month) I'd share it with you, dear reader...along with a 'Thank you' (I'll get to that in a bit), and a couple of *Compassion I wrote earlier* links... in case you missed them...:o)

'Love Letter to the World' was originally written by Kate Swoboda and is free to download Here

Enjoy :o)

Love Letter to the World


Before I get on to the recycling... I'd like to take a moment to say a huge, and heartfelt *Thank you* to all the gorgeous souls who supported me through Dads illness (Cancer), and who've continued to support me over the past few weeks since he passed away.
Losing Dad has been the hardest thing (to date) Iv'e ever had to bear, and you (you all know who you are), have been a Godsend...your kindness, friendship and *compassion*.has helped me (is helping me) to muddle through it.

Thank you X

The Recycling... 

{Excerpt}... Across the street, now sleeping 
somebody's son dreams hungers dream
Of Yorkshire pud, fish and chips
and mint choc chip ice-cream

somebody's son. 1000 speak for compassion

{Excerpt}... There were no toys in the pram room for the little girl to play with, no cushions for her to snuggle into when she napped fell into an exhausted (scream worn) sleep - no padding to protect her, when out of fear, abandonment, desperation, she smashed her head against the floor... over and over again!

There were no hearers of responders to her screams, no wipes for her tear stained (often blood stained) cheeks, no cuddles for calm.... no attention, no love compassion.
Marie's Voice. 1000 speak for compassion.
I sit down next to her, and imagining that she can see me/hear me, as I can her; I say, "It's okay darling... everything's gonna be okay... Compassion is on her way."
"She'll be here soon - she'll be your voice, and one day (though she doesn't yet know it herself) she'll be your mum.
She will fight for you, care for you, love you....and she'll be with you - always."

Marie's Voice. 1000speak for compassion

If you'd like to read the above Compassion posts in full just click on the titles and whoosh, you'll be wait, come back, there's more... ;o)


This post is my (I've a muddled mind, but my hearts in the right place) contribution to June's 'One Thousand Voices for compassion' movement - a monthly event to promote and encourage good in the world.

On the 20th of each month bloggers and video-makers from all over the world come together to speak for compassion, in the hope of making a difference. 

#1000speak is a beautiful movement and one I'm proud to be a part of.  :o)

1000 speak for compassion.

"Let ourselves care about strangers, act on behalf of those who are helpless, and encourage everyone we know to do the same." ~ Lizzi Rogers

There are so many #1000speak contributions, from bloggers all over the World... I encourage you to check them out if you get a chance, I'm sure you'll find some that resonate with you. 

You can do that by following @1000speak on Twitter or by checking out the '1000 Voices for Compassion' Face book page Here

Speaking for GOOD on the 20th of every month


Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

P.S Check this one out... not one of my rambles, but definitely worth a read... because, well... *sugar-mousiness*... what's not to like :o) Sometimes the village needs a little sugar


Sunday, 7 June 2015

It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

"Nothing feels real. Everything's TOO real. I'm lost without you." Grief. Dad. Quote via @stuckinscared


What do I do today? How do I do today?  Should I be doing something? - What do I say? I don't know what to say, Dad... should I be saying something?

What do people say to dead Dads on their Birthday?

Happy Birthday Dad? Are you happy? Are you here? can you hear me? Can I see you? can you do that?... I want you to do that.

Sorry?... Should I be saying sorry, Dad?

Sorry I couldn't get to you, wasn't with you when you died, never said goodbye... never made it to your funeral, (I hate that word, 'Funeral').

I know my sadness would hurt you (is hurting you) but I don't know how to do today (any day) without sadness...without you, Dad.
I've never had to do a Dadless 'Dad day' before, I've never had to do a Dadless 'any day' before, until now.

I miss you, Dad, I need you, I don't know how to 'be' without you... I don't want to be without you.
One more look into eyes that speak 'I love you' whenever they look at me, one more hug/smile/hand-hold, one more day/month/year, one more "I love you too babe"; Please Dad, just one more...This longing... it's unbearable.

I know what you're thinking, I know what you'd say, what you're saying... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

I hear you so clearly you could be sat here hugging me (Oi you'ing, tear stained/mascara stained shirt).

"Keep smiling babe"
"Time heals"
"Focus on those who're still here"
"Keep on keeping on"
"Move your arse, dry your eyes, and go play with your Littlie"
"Be happy babe, I want you to be happy"
"Look to the future now"
"Think positive"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe".
"Life goes on" .............

Life goes on?! .... Really?!

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

Matters lots... matters not... changes nothing... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

Daddy, you were my safe, my 'who to go to', my always there (and if not there, getting there) my consistent (my only consistent) my 'strong'... My someone to trust.

And now... You're the scream I let out when you left... the scream I've held in ever since. A touch without a feel, a shadow without a face, sorrows tears, sorrows scream, sorrows smile.
You're my 'not there-can't get there; will never get there again'... you're the tears I'm crying now.


How can you be gone!

How can you be gone, Dad.

Are you gone?

Is that you, are you there?

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

I can't bear 'this'.

Come home Dad, please come home Dad, I need you.

Nothing feels real, everything's too real!

I don't wanna hear it, Dad, I don't wanna hear it!

The future is Dadless... I'm not ready for that.
It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to... grief... quote. Blog post. via @stuckinscared

I know you'd stop 'this' if you could, say anything to make 'this' better, but Dad, really?! ....Throw in 'It's just the way the mop flops', and we'd have ALL the cliches!

But I get it, Dad...I do - I was (all your girls were) your smiles, your good on the bad days, your reason for living, your everything. If it were fixable you fixed it. If we hurt you hurt....You can't bear 'this' either... can you.

I'm sorry Dad x


When I was about 8 years old I bought my Dad a box of 'Liquorice Allsorts' for his birthday. His eye's lit up when he opened them, and I remember, so clearly, him (chomping) "mmmm my favorite".

I bought him a box of 'Allsorts' (his favorite) every birthday after that......... I was 48 before he finally told me he actually hated them.

That's the kind of Dad my Dad was.

I'm not alone in my Dadlessness, a few of my friends have lost their Dads recently. Lord, bless them, hold them tight, help them through 'this'. Amen.


Thank you for allowing me to share

Bless you, all of you who have supported me over the past few weeks, it's meant more than you could possibly know!

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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