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Sunday, 7 June 2015

It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

"Nothing feels real. Everything's TOO real. I'm lost without you." Grief. Dad. Quote via @stuckinscared

Dad,

What do I do today? How do I do today?  Should I be doing something? - What do I say? I don't know what to say, Dad... should I be saying something?

What do people say to dead Dads on their Birthday?

Happy Birthday Dad? Are you happy? Are you here? can you hear me? Can I see you? can you do that?... I want you to do that.

Sorry?... Should I be saying sorry, Dad?

Sorry I couldn't get to you, wasn't with you when you died, never said goodbye... never made it to your funeral, (I hate that word, 'Funeral').

I know my sadness would hurt you (is hurting you) but I don't know how to do today (any day) without sadness...without you, Dad.
I've never had to do a Dadless 'Dad day' before, I've never had to do a Dadless 'any day' before, until now.

I miss you, Dad, I need you, I don't know how to 'be' without you... I don't want to be without you.
One more look into eyes that speak 'I love you' whenever they look at me, one more hug/smile/hand-hold, one more day/month/year, one more "I love you too babe"; Please Dad, just one more...This longing... it's unbearable.

I know what you're thinking, I know what you'd say, what you're saying... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

I hear you so clearly you could be sat here hugging me (Oi you'ing, tear stained/mascara stained shirt).

"Keep smiling babe"
"Time heals"
"Focus on those who're still here"
"Keep on keeping on"
"Move your arse, dry your eyes, and go play with your Littlie"
"Be happy babe, I want you to be happy"
"Look to the future now"
"Think positive"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe".
"Life goes on" .............

Life goes on?! .... Really?!

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

Matters lots... matters not... changes nothing... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

Daddy, you were my safe, my 'who to go to', my always there (and if not there, getting there) my consistent (my only consistent) my 'strong'... My someone to trust.

And now... You're the scream I let out when you left... the scream I've held in ever since. A touch without a feel, a shadow without a face, sorrows tears, sorrows scream, sorrows smile.
You're my 'not there-can't get there; will never get there again'... you're the tears I'm crying now.

Gone.

How can you be gone!

How can you be gone, Dad.

Are you gone?

Is that you, are you there?

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

I can't bear 'this'.

Come home Dad, please come home Dad, I need you.

Nothing feels real, everything's too real!

I don't wanna hear it, Dad, I don't wanna hear it!

The future is Dadless... I'm not ready for that.
It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to... grief... quote. Blog post. via @stuckinscared

I know you'd stop 'this' if you could, say anything to make 'this' better, but Dad, really?! ....Throw in 'It's just the way the mop flops', and we'd have ALL the cliches!

But I get it, Dad...I do - I was (all your girls were) your smiles, your good on the bad days, your reason for living, your everything. If it were fixable you fixed it. If we hurt you hurt....You can't bear 'this' either... can you.

I'm sorry Dad x

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POSITIVE THOUGHT
When I was about 8 years old I bought my Dad a box of 'Liquorice Allsorts' for his birthday. His eye's lit up when he opened them, and I remember, so clearly, him (chomping) "mmmm my favorite".

I bought him a box of 'Allsorts' (his favorite) every birthday after that......... I was 48 before he finally told me he actually hated them.

That's the kind of Dad my Dad was.

PRAYER
I'm not alone in my Dadlessness, a few of my friends have lost their Dads recently. Lord, bless them, hold them tight, help them through 'this'. Amen.

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Thank you for allowing me to share

Bless you, all of you who have supported me over the past few weeks, it's meant more than you could possibly know!

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Related post: About a Man


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27 comments :

  1. Kimmie <3
    So much love for you Hon, I'm sorry you are hurting.

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  2. Thanks Lizzi, your friendship/support means so much. x

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  3. Oh Kimmie, I cried my way through this post...I can't imagine what you're going through. I just want to give you the biggest hug x

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    1. Thank you Ruebi *hugging you back* - I'm sorry i made you cry... hold on, I have tissues... if I can find an unused one o_O !

      Thanks for popping over, means a lot to be heard x

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  4. Aww kimmie hugging you tight just so you know I'm here xxxx

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  5. Hang on in. He sees your kids and you being a mum & rejoices

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    1. I hope so Carol, tho I admit, I'm struggling with 'The Mum thing' ATM - going through the motions of course, Mums at the very least, must do that, but my head is somewhere else.

      He was proud of my 'Mum thing' though, he'd often sing my praises on that front :) - so your thoughts are comforting, Thank you x

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  6. Oh my dear. Though I weep for your pain, I am glad you are able to put it all on the table - the pain, the prayer, the positive thought. Nobody is ever ready. It is all practice, and we help each other along as best we can. Much love.

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    1. Thank you for you thoughtfulness Paula. Yes, the writing is helpful...cathartic.

      I know you're experiencing your own fair share of heartache/worry ATM...am thinking of you to dear friend. As you say..."we help each other along, best we can" :) x

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  7. Life goes on indeed. Lots of emotions, unanswered questions and pain no doubt, but above all live in the moment for yourself and family. Wish you strength for today and always!

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  8. A future without your Dad feels unbearable, I know. but he is there, he's with you every step of the way, even if you can no longer see him ((hugs)) xx

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    1. Thank you, and I know you will have found this one an emotive read, and that it may have stirred thoughts/emotions relating to your own loss making it a difficult read. *hugging you back* x

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  9. so sorry for your loss x #WeekendBlogHop

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    1. Thank you Linda, all the best to you and yours x

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  10. My heart goes out to you, Kimmie! (((hugs)))

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  11. Awww... this is sooo sad... :(

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  12. It sounds as if this has been a very recent loss. I like the others here, am so sorry. There is a book, when you are ready for it, called "Fatherless Daughters.". I don't know the author right off the bat. Good luck to you and please take care.

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    1. Thank you, for your kind thoughts, and for the book info... Yes, a recent loss, 8wks ago.

      Thanks for taking the time to read/comment. All the best to you and yours, Kimmie.

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  13. I lost my mother at 42 and now 10 years later I still think about her daily but not with quite the same heartache. I will always miss her but, as much as you don't want to hear it, life does go on. I make sure to maintain her memory so my children never forget her. It's one of the reasons I started a baked goods company 4 years ago and even though I no longer have that business, trust me, every time I make her chocolate chip cookies she is definitely with me, laughing no doubt at the inevitable batch I will burn because I got on the phone and forgot they were in the oven :)

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    1. Hi Beth, Thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment... I had typed out a virtual essay in reply, but blogger appears to have eaten... forgive me, I don't feel up to attempting to duplicate lost ramble, but thank you, your thoughts are comforting.

      I'm sorry for your own loss, even 10 years on, and as you say, less heatbreaking...there must still be days when it's hard to bear.

      God bless, Kimmie.

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