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Tuesday, 9 February 2016

If I Could Live One Day Again...

An excerpt from an archived post... HERE

If I could live one day again...  it would be the last day I saw my Dad.
Grief. Quote. "My safe place is DeAD." "It's not something I'll ever be done with, it's something I'm learning to live with.". mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk
My Dad lived a long way away from me, and, as mentioned in previous posts, mental illness/fear prevents me from travelling. In February of last year (3 months before he died) my Dad; my always-there-and-if-he-wasn't-there-he-was-getting-there, Dad, came to me. Riddled with Cancer, barely able to stand, and in unimaginable pain, he came to me. He came to say goodbye.

We hugged lots, loved lots, talked as much as he could manage... goodbyes were left unspoken, neither of us able to say the words.

When he left, knowing how hard the moment was for him, I hugged him brave... like a grown up. The child inside was bawling, I didn't let her out.
He released my hold on him, kissed my head, and said "keep smiling babe.", then he turned and walked down the garden path.

When he reached the gate he turned and looked straight at me, he held my gaze for only a moment before turning away again. In that moment I read my life time in his eyes... and I read his breaking heart, his I love you... his goodbye.

I didn't want to be brave anymore. I wanted to run down the path with the child's tears pouring down my face, throw myself into his arms, beg him to stay.

I stayed dry-eye-brave in the doorway until he'd disappeared through the gate. Then went into the toilet, stamped my feet like a child, and cried.

If I could live that day again... I'd run down the path!

***

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

"Nothing feels real...everything's TOO real... I'm lost without you." Grief. quote. mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk



20 comments :

  1. A heartwarming read, many thanks for sharing.

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  2. Oh I feel how you feel. My Dad was my safe place too and after 17 years of him being gone, I still miss him. I know, however, he has left my heart and memory with his strength and goodness. It is from there that I pull his love in order for me to have strength. Look and you will find it too. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Lori. Comforting thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss too, I can't imagine ever getting over the pain of losing Dad, learning to live with it. Yes... but it's not something I'll ever be done with. I imagine it's the same for you. 17 years, or (as in my case) less than a year...it's such a huge loss, and I'm sorry for yours.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read/comment. Kimmie x

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  3. That is so very beautiful and deeply personal. My father was not my safe place when he was alive but now that he is gone, he is, if that makes any sense. I know you miss yours as much as I miss mine.
    Carol

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    1. Hi, Carol. Yes. I think it makes sense. I'm sorry for your own loss.

      Thank you for stopping by x

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  4. Lovely share..moving and beautifully heart-touching. thank you....

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  5. This should come with a tissue warning . . . it was beautifully written.

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  6. Tender and heartbreaking, Kimmie. Thank you. Yes to a tissue warning. I look forward to sharing this on my FB author page tomorrow where I share articles about grief, among other things.

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    1. Thank you, Elaine. For taking the time to read/connect, and for your empathy. It's kind of you to share. Thank you! I'll check out your author page...perhaps I'll find something that helps me.

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  7. I love this for so many reasons... You capture perfectly the beautiful father-daughter bond & love that never dies, and yet so hard to say goodbye. Hugs. Xx

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    1. Thank you, Jackie. Yes, so hard, and in the end I was left without closure. Because I couldn't get to him. Wasn't with him when he passed. Never said the things I wanted to say because I didn't want to burden him with my grief. Never made it to his funeral. ... Never ran down the path!

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  8. Kimmie, I read this in the middle of the night and it pulled my hazy brain straight into the clarity. It's so personable and relatable what you write here. What a strong wonderful man and how alike you sound. I wish we didn't have to part with our loved ones. Sending you love

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    1. Thank you, Nillu, for your lovely thoughts. He was strong, and he was a wonderful man... a wonderful Dad. The best!

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  9. That image...with the one extra letter... is devastatingly eloquent, my dear.

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  10. I have about a thousand "run back down the path" moments that I would like to relive with both of my parents who died of cancer. I understand what you are going through. Although I am sorry for you, it is nice to know that others can relate to my feelings. Thank you for sharing this post.

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    1. "Although I am sorry for you, it is nice to know that others can relate to my feelings." Thank you... That is exactly how your comment made me feel. I'm so sorry for your own loss. Take care, Kimmie x

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