Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: January 2014

Thursday, 16 January 2014

'There's something good in every day' :O)

This morning (as is the case most mornings) 'The Body Guard' and 'Littlie' had been down stairs for an hour or so by the time I stumbled down the stairs at *still stupid O'clock*.

After a week of sleepless nights the relatively good sleep I'd just stumbled from hadn't been near enough and my head was banging. 

I by passed the "good morning mummy" and inevitable chatter that would have greeted me in the living room and headed straight for kitchen, kettle and much needed coffee. 

Staring eye's half open into 'kettle steam' with a head full of *On my mind 24/7* (explained here) >>   << it's safe to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. 

I made the much needed coffee and headed (still as miserable as sin) toward the dinning table. I would have fifteen minutes to drink coffee and wallow before I was required to get the 'Bubble of joy' in the living room ready for school. 

Half way to sitting I was suddenly pulled away from the crap in my head by the sound of 'Bubble of joy' giggling and 'The mum in me' was drawn up and over to the little window between dinning and living room. 

'Littlie' was dancing! (For those of you who are new to my rambles 'Littlie' is disabled and has limited mobility) Her movements this morning were wobbly and a little clumsy but my word - never before have I witnessed a more beautiful dance! 
As she turned her eye's caught mine and.... the smile on her face - my God!.... The smile on her face! 

I watched a while longer and then mindful of the time (and my still great need for coffee!) I sat down at the table. My eye's were still half open, my head was still full of *On my mind 24/7* (and still banging!) but I was smiling! 

I'm not looking forward to seeing the doctor tomorrow, I'm still afraid - I'm still finding it incredibly hard to imagine anything other than worse case scenario....but - I have lost count of how many times today the image of my 'Littlie' bobbing about in the living room this morning has bought a smile to my (otherwise miserable) face! 

I didn't have to make a conscious effort today to remind myself that *There's something good in every day* ('Littlie' had my back) but I've decided that from now on I am going to make a conscious effort (no matter how tough life gets) to remind myself of at least one *something good* each day. 

Lord, Thank you for all of my reasons to smile. Amen. 

A *something good* made earlier
Every year I have a 'Betty Boop' calender (I love BOOP!) Usually it arrives on Christmas day via my kids. This year my gorgeous ones decided (rightly) that I needed a new hair dryer (one that wasn't likely to explode in my hand) - as a result there has been a BOOP-less space on my kitchen wall since January 1st. 
On Monday the space was filled :O)  

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

P.S Did 'something good' happen in your day today....'Big good', 'small good' or 'somewhere in the middle good'? I'd love to hear about it....drop me a line :O) x

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

'On my mind 24/7'

The night before last (with a head full of darkness) I tried for hours to express my feelings - I lost count of how many paragraphs I typed out and then deleted.

Often when I'm unable to write I'm unsure why.
Why....when I so desperately need to offload a mind FULL of muddle won't the words come?!

On this occasion I think I know what has caused a block....(Though I didn't realize it until today) You see, I have been attempting to write about a 'low as low can be' post Christmas fortnight - exacerbated OCD symptoms and high levels of anxiety while at the same time avoiding the *on my mind 24/7* issue.

I'm afraid to throw this thing out there - What if it's nothing? - Am I over reacting at this point? - Will people think I'm being silly, allowing OCD (as is often the case with me!) to make a mountain out of a mole hill?....

Well my friends, while smaller than a mole hill (about the size of blueberry actually) it feels like a mountain to me and despite my rational side reminding me periodically that it's probably nothing - I'm afraid!

I discovered the lump just before Christmas - well actually if truth be known 'The Body Guard' discovered it (This honesty thing will get me into trouble one day! o_O )

It was very small, causing me no pain and Christmas was coming - I put it to the back of my mind (almost) telling myself that if it was still there after Christmas I'd have to see a doctor.

Christmas came and went and the lump was still there - still there and slightly bigger (or was I imagining it to be so?) - I know I should have made an appointment to see a doctor straight away at that point but I didn't - I didn't because I was afraid!

Anyway to cut a long story and a lot of sleepless nights short....This is now on my mind 24/7.
OCD's having a field-day - I'm poking around my right breast more and more each day/night - sobbing fearfully through the 'Eastenders' Cancer story and afraid to say "see you in the morning" to 'Littlie' at night in-case I'm not there when she wakes! (I know, I know, mountains out of mole hills!)

Worrying myself sick over something that might be nothing is not doing me any good and leaving it too long when it may turn out to be something won't do me any good either! - I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday. - I'm terrified!

I'm praying 'The OCD tales' are wrong and the lump is harmless - It would mean a great deal to me if (those of you who pray) would add your prayers to mine. Thank you.

Despite *on my mind 24/7* My 'Gorgeous ones' and I had a lovely Christmas! :O)

Lord, I know it's probably nothing, I know my way of worrying about things before they've even happened but I'm afraid. Give me strength please because I'm not coping with this one very well at all. Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Sometimes a Picture really does 'Paint A Thousand Words'

A little hand in mine.

Thank you God

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and yours

Kimmie x

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

'A Rant'

I am disabled - my daughter is disabled!
I care for my daughter with hubby's help he cares for us both with no help.
It's tough - really tough!

My mental illness has been greatly exacerbated because of the constant media comments aimed at sick and disabled people! Aimed at me and mine!
Before the conservatives began their cruel campaign against the most vulnerable people in society I was just about managing (with huge restriction and controls in place) to cope! My husband was managing to get through most days with a smile on his face and our daughter was the center of our world.

Today we (more often than not) just about manage existence!
I live in constant overwhelming fear of Government, media and DWP, my husband feels useless because he is powerless against those who seek to destroy us and our daughter who has complex care needs is caught up in the middle wondering why mummy rarely plays anymore and daddy doesn't smile!

I keep hoping we will all wake up to find that the past two years have been an awful, irrational nightmare!
I never voted or trusted the 'Tories' but never for one minute did I think that they would attack me or my child. Why? Because we are bloody disabled and that alone is enough - Don't you think?! We deal with more than our fair share of difficulties, every day is a struggle!

Its bloody inhumane! They are hurting so many vulnerable people and they simply don't care.
How on earth are they getting away with it!

Enough Mr Cameron, we have had enough - we can't take much more!
May God forgive you because I can't!

Phew....! rant over. As you were.

Thank you for allowing me to share

LORD I pray your blessing over all vulnerable people. Your will be done. Amen

I'm sorry but with all due respect I can't think of one! My mind is still on David bloody Cameron &CO!

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x