After showering today I decided to pamper myself with that Dove-hint-of-a-tan moisturising gunk.
I’ve used it before and it does what it says on the bottle.... de-whites skin gradually without turning it orange.
However it is gunky and takes forever to soak in meaning one has to remain naked for 20 min or so before getting dressed.
So what’s a girl to do when she’s naked, greased up and hiding from ‘man mind’?
I make the beds, run a duster round and I’m just about to head down stairs for my (I will do anything for you) ‘Dyson’ when I remember that I’m still naked and ‘The Body Guard’ along with his (I know what I’d like to do for you) ‘man mind’ is down there – I’m way too knackered for any of his shenanigans so I head in the direction of the box room instead.
And there behind the box room door is ‘Hetty Hoover’ – Aw she’s so cute, sat there all pink and smiley batting her painted on eyelashes at me…. Who could resist her?!
Hetty is actually Littlie’s hoover. 'Littlie' has many obsessions and one of them is Hoovers, so last Christmas The-man-in-red delivered Hetty (butter wouldn't melt) hoover instead of toys.
Anyway... I pick up Hetty, carry her along to Littlie’s room, plug her in and begin hoovering.
Hetty is clearly not happy about this!
She refuses to follow me when yanked, hides behind every available piece of furniture, and if the way she’s gripping the bloody carpet is anything to go by her brushes have morphed into teeth!
Panting and sweating (which does nothing to speed up the drying out of moisturised nakedness) I pull the awkward little bugger into my room and ignoring the (now defiant) look on her face attempt to hoover by the side of the bed.
Hetty however, has her eye on the dog crate at the bottom of the bed and heads straight for it – she gets stuck and I fall (ungracefully) onto the bed, narrowly avoiding getting my eye sucked out in the process.
I drag myself up from the bed, rescue Hetty, and after lots more heaving and panting finish the bedroom and head toward the small staircase that leads up to the loft room.
Leaving Hetty at the bottom of the stairs and taking her nose up with me I have de-fluffed all steps bar two when ‘Hetty’ suddenly squeals her objection at having her nose yanked and plops over onto her back defiantly, I yank on her nose again (aggressively) in an attempt to reach the last two steps but she’s having none of it.
With no choice but to go back and rescue the little minx I stomp ungracefully down the stairs (dropping an F-Bomb as I go!)
Half way down Hetty wraps her nose around my foot causing me to fall down the remainder of the stairs and crash into the Bannister's that separate the stair case I’m on from the one below.
Having narrowly escaped going over the top of the Banister and landing in ‘all my glory’ at the bottom of the house (I kid you not...!) I get up and grab ‘smiley face’ by the
Throat handle and heave her up toward the top of the stairs
(Hetty could do with losing a few pounds!)
Still grinning at me Hetty’s next trick is to hook and pull over a flower arrangement at the bottom of the stairs ‘hoover bumping’ me into the wall as she does so! Wonderful… now I have flowers to rearrange - paint work to de-bum-print and I need another shower o_O !
Hetty is now tucked back behind the box room door and there she will stay unless 'Littlie' wants to play with her.
'Littlie' will always be supervised when Hetty's around, as for me... I will never ever play with Hetty again (supervised or otherwise).
And the moral of the story… Do not be fooled by ‘Hetty Hoovers’ smile... Hetty is a nasty piece of work...!
If you value your sanity, your home, and your life then take my advice and stay well away from Hetty-Bloody-Hoover (especially if you’re knackered, naked and not in the mood for shenanigans).
Thank you for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love