Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: January 2013

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

'The Dreaded Brown Envelope'

When my last post was hijacked so to speak by  prompting me to put my planned ramble on hold I promised (threatened) to come back and throw my 'bloody awful' week your way, so here I am

(This may well turn out to be a marathon ramble (not sure yet) so please feel free to run for your lives now!) For those who are staying - Are you sitting comfortably? good, then I'll begin.

I'll start with last Thursday morning because as 'bloody awful' goes it rated quite highly on a scale of 1 - 10!

After stumbling down the stairs at stupid o'clock with 'TheBodyGuard' and 'Littlie' the breakfast, wash, dress and groom routine went actually very well! For those of you who don't already know, 'littlie' is 7 yrs old and was born with a disability (PWS) which affects her both physically and mentally.

She can walk but not far, she has a global developmental delay, OCD and various other symptoms which can make life challenging for both her and us!

She can be extremely difficult, losing emotional control at the drop of a hat, she can also be funny, engaging, and affectionate, a wonderful character who is a joy to be around!  

Well through the wash, dress, pad and groom routine on thursday morning she WAS an 'absolute joy'!

I left my 'absolute joy' in the living room while I went to fetch toothbrush and toothpaste and returned less than a minute later to a different child!

Without warning and for no apparent reason 'Littlie' grabbed the loaded toothbrush from my hand and threw it across the room, as I reached for wet wipes to rescue the carpet from 'pink & white gloop' she punched me very hard in the back, I responded by turning back towards her and saying "That's very naughty! mummy and daddy don't hit you and you mustn't hit us either" her response before I could do much about it was to smack me in the face, I reached out to grab 'offending' hand remembering 'a punch to the other cheek too late' that she has two of the damn things!

And so it went on until as gently as her rage and writhing would allow 'TheBodyGuard' and I managed to bundle her into her wheelchair and onto the school bus!    

After phoning ahead to warn the school that 'absolute joy' had morphed for some unknown reason into 'absolute nightmare' 'TheBodyGuard' and I calmed down over coffee and in my case half a dozen cigarettes, then made our way to Church.

An hour or so later after a bit of prayer and a bit of jumble sorting we made our way home both wondering how 'Littlie' was and obviously worried about her but relieved at the same time that for the next five hours at least we didn't have to deal with 'absolute nightmare'.

Okay onto the next installment of 'bloody awful'!

On reaching home I turned the key in the lock, opened the front door and THERE IT WAS!  
Slightly crumpled as a result of 'Posties' overzealous thrusting, right there in my hallway 'the dreaded brown envelope'!

Immediately, before I'd even bent down to pick up the reason for my racing heart my legs began shaking uncontrollably, I made my way in a fear filled haze to the kitchen and threw the letter onto the counter! I couldn't breath, sucking more and more air in and seemingly unable to breath any air out my heart continued to bang in my chest and my legs continued to shake, my lips within minutes were numb and the room was spinning. Eventually, on the verge of passing out I knelt down on the kitchen floor for a while with my head between my knees in an effort to control both the dizziness and my breathing....

Turns out that while the letter was indeed from the 'DWP' it didn't actually contain the reason for my 'on going, overwhelming, all consuming, daily, nightly, constant fear!

It was actually a jolly little message informing me of the extremely generous 1% increase that was to be bestowed on my undeserving self as of April this year!

I recycled the offending 'brown and jolly' and carried on with the rest of my day thinking only positive thoughts I danced rosily around the house with my feather duster singing as I went rather like one of those housewives in a 1960's advert and found myself eagerly anticipating the hour that 'absolute nightmare' returned from school!  

Okay that's not quite what happened, the recycling bit is true but what actually followed my little brush with the 'DWP' was days of 'deep dark and despairing'. What their notice of forthcoming riches actually did was to reinforce how terrified I am of them!

The fear is constant and overwhelming and I can't see an end to it! 

There is actually a lot more to my 'bloody awful' week but I think as this blog is in danger of turning into a full length novel I'll save the rest for another day.

Lord, I wish I knew what you thought sometimes, I wish I could talk to you direct and have the answer straight away, but I know that's not how it works so my prayer for today is, 'I trust you,Your will be done' Amen.

It was 'absolute joy' that came home from school on Thursday and with one or two exceptions she has remained 'absolute joy' since :o) 

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

kimmie x                                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

Friday, 18 January 2013

'I am ME & BPD'

Hello Friends,

Today I read a blog post that reached out to me like no other I have read before! The account on the screen before me so closely mirrored my own experience of mental illness, my own thoughts and emotions that I felt as if the author had reached out and taken my hand in hers!

The post was written by a twitter pal of mine @Messyartoflvng

'Messy' has agreed to be my guest this evening. Many of you will relate to what she has to say, many of you will empathize and I believe that even those of you who have never experienced mental illness will find her post extremely touching!

It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Messy'.

I Am ME & BPD, The Two Sides To Me.

Below are things I feel and notice about myself. They are struggles, facts, false beliefs I have brought on by my experiences in life, and thoughts with my disorders. Some are ugly and painful to read so please if you are not in the best place, this may not be a good thing to read. Many may relate, but notice there are two sides and depending on the moment, the hour, the day I may have all or a few of them. I have struggles, as does everyone, and I have triumphs too. This is me in all my glory, at my best and my worst.

I am a wife and mother, I love to nurture, cradle my children, and take care of my husband. I love to comfort the fears of my children, and provide for my husband’s needs. My family means the world to me it is the most wonderful thing I have ever been a part of. I love my life and imagine the future, and I look forward to each new day. I am in control of my life, and I handle each task to the best of my ability.

Sometimes I dread the coming of a new day and I hate the fact that I am even alive. I feel like a burden on those I love, a bad example to my children. Sometimes I feel ugly and unworthy of my husband, like a huge embarrassment a dark stain on what should be a wonderful life. Sometimes I want to run away and disappear from existence. I get frustrated; sometimes even the simplest task will cause an anxiety attack, sometimes I even feel useless and unworthy of the life I have.

I am quiet, I love the soft sounds of nature, and I love to create things through art and writing. I love to sing anywhere from the shower to my car, sometimes I will even dance in public just because. I am soft spoken and have a calm personality, and I dislike fighting and arguments and truly enjoy the company of friends and family. I love to think and act positively, and find productive ways to solve problems. Some say I am the life of the party and fun to be around, mostly I love the sounds of people around me and music, though I do best in small intimate settings. I love encouraging others and sharing things that bring me joy with those close to me.  I love exploring new ideas and new places.

I am loud, I can be scary, I might even get in your face. I will scream and cry and feel alone and misunderstood. Sometimes I even seem to enjoy the fight; I throw things and destroy objects and relationships around me. I shout profanities and words that will shatter the strongest soul while inside I am dying, wishing I could shut myself up. I hate crowds and groups, they scare me make me feel sweaty, trapped and vulnerable. The sound of the phone makes me cringe and my stomach turns. I often feel useless. Sometimes I will hide in my room and stay in bed while life falls apart around me, I will cry for days, I will be sad, hurt and angry at the world because I feel like I don’t belong. The thought of driving terrifies me; I sweat and have a huge lump in my throat, my heart pounds like that of a trapped animal, I even feel as though I might die.

I am strong, I push myself hard and I work for the things I want. I recognize my mistakes, learn from them, and use them as fuel to help me reach my full potential. I love to clean and organize and I love the feel of a bright, fresh smelling home. I strive each day to do things myself and my family can be proud of. I fight against lies, negativities, and harmful thoughts brought on by misplaced emotions and irrational fears.

I am one of the lost, now found. I am the calm and the storm. I am a woman and I am a child. I am fearless and yet fear the world. I am capable of anything, I am lost and confused. I am passion and love yet I am misery and rage, I am innocent and I am guilty, I deserve everything and nothing at all. I am a voice among many, I am a unique individual full of potential, and I am a sufferer of BPD!


If you enjoyed 'Messy's post and would like to hear more from her you can visit her on her own blog here >

I will finish as I always do on a prayer and positive thought.

Lord, I pray for 'Messy' and her family, for myself and my own family, for everyone who joins me here on the blog and for all who are troubled in body, mind or spirit. Amen

No matter how bad things get there is always at least one reason to smile! My reason to smile at least once a day?  *My children* What are yours? Think about it because even on the darkest day, there will be something. Trust me! :)

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x  

Friday, 4 January 2013

Scared to shut my eyes!

I have sat here staring at the blank page for so long now I can almost see you all sat at the foot of my bed shouting "For God's sake get on with it"!

The trouble is my friends, is that so much has happened since I last filled your minds with my woes that I really don't know where to start!

Perhaps I will begin with now, right now, this very minute!

Right now, I'm propped up in bed nursing a chest infection with my lap top in front of me trying to convince my fingers to dance joyfully across the keyboard tapping out all the words I believe people want to read in the week following Christmas!

Don't misunderstand me, I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of the year!
Christmas is my favorite.
I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I anticipate with butterfly tummy and skipping heart my children's squeals of delight on Christmas morning. I love the chaos - the mess that out does all messes - the 'pringle' crumb carpet - the tripping over the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the five a.m stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake 'Littlie' with stocking in hand shouting "he's been mummy, he's been".
I love it all, and indeed, despite the terrible few weeks leading up to Christmas, and the equally terrible week following; I did, as always, enjoy Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones!

The weeks leading up to Christmas are a bit of a fear filled blur to be honest, 'Littlie', who is disabled, was extremely ill, my insomnia was at it's worst due to an exacerbation of OCD symptoms (intrusive death thoughts) and in the hours I might normally have managed some exhaustion induced sleep I found I was too scared to shut my eyes in case 'Littlie' stopped breathing while I slept!

In the weeks following 'Littlies' birth and subsequent diagnoses we were given a lot of information about her condition (Prada Willi Syndrome) I read it all, and understood that any given symptom may or may not affect my child, that everything on the long list of symptoms varied in severity from one sufferer to the next. However, jumping from the page to be well and truly etched across my OCD mind forever, were the words 'sudden unexplained death'!

Now in addition to my fearing that my grey, wheezing child might die in the night if I dared to sleep there was as always in the weeks leading up to Christmas my ongoing fear of my own death! When I say 'as always' I mean as always, every day, for as long as I can remember, I have endured overwhelming fear and panic tied into thoughts of death!
These are not passing thoughts, these are intrusive thoughts, detailed imagery that invades my mind without warning, While going about everyday activities I actually see my own death in as much detail as I might see in a vivid nightmare, or in a film scene!

Another time I will go into more detail on these thoughts and how debilitating they can be, doing so will not help me in the long term, you see I have written and spoken about these intrusive images for years and, though cathartic at the time, it does not serve to stop them,
I am conscious that at the very least my writing about these thoughts here on the blog may help other sufferers realize that they are not alone, and for that reason I will come back to them.

Not today though, they would take up too much blog space, and today my mind is somewhere else. I hear you all breath a sigh of relief but don't get too excited friends, I haven't quite finished with you yet!

If I can ask you to follow me for a bit and bring your imaginations with you, I'll take you to where my mind is today....

We are now in a little upstairs council house toilet, the walls are 'apple white', there's a little frosted window to the left of us, the lino flooring is cold beneath our feet, the door is painted white, and there is a little round safety lock just below the door handle. On the floor is a pyjama clad child, she has long dark brown hair which half covers her face, she is crouched sobbing just behind the door, her left hand stretched out holding the little lock in position. The child is afraid and on the other side of the door her mother is ranting, shouting and swearing, banging on the door, "YOU LITTLE GIT" she shouts "OPEN THIS DOOR"!

I can see her so clearly, 'the child' from where I'm standing, I want to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms and tell her it's okay, I want to hold her until she falls asleep and then carry her from the cold lino floor, past her screaming mother, and into her bed, I want to sit by her bed until morning and stroke her gently back to sleep if she should wake.

I want to tell her that it's all in her head, that no one will come into the room with a bread knife while she sleeps and cut her pretty head off, that there is no man in the wardrobe, no monsters at the window. I want to reassure her that the pillow her tear stained face is turned into will not suffocate her while she sleeps.

I want to say "come now child, you don't need to lock yourself in the toilet night after night for fear of dying while you sleep", "this will pass child, as you grow this WILL pass!"
If this were possible would she be comforted do you think or would she see through my lies, would she see into my mind as I can hers and know the worst is yet to come!

I'm still stood on the cold lino to the right of the little frosted window, and if you haven't yet gone back to what you were doing before I dragged you into a little 'apple white' council house toilet, then you're still stood beside me, on the floor in front of us the child still cries and on the other side of the door her mother still rages!

There is nothing I can say or do, the child can neither see nor hear me, I am her future, and she is my past.
If you came with me, I thank you, because I didn't want to go alone.

Lord, I'm blessed within my shadows of dreams of all that I could be, I pray through your 'Amazing Grace' I will one day be free. Amen

I guess my positive thought today has to be all of you friends, Thank you for following my blog and offering such kind support both here in the comments section and via twitter, I honestly don't know how I used to managed without you all!

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                            Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

Scared to shut my eyes. mental health. mental illness