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Thursday, 11 October 2012

Extremely, unashamedly, wonderfully GAY!

It's okay to be Gay!
As I type I can see 'Danny' so clearly (partly because my memory is full of his gorgeous little face right now, and partly because a picture of him as a boy is hanging on the wall in front of me.)
 
He is three years old in the picture I speak of, his head is tilted on one side, he has chubby cheeks - baby bum skin - bright hazel green eyes, and a smile that lights up the room. A happy, cheeky, smiley toddler who knows even at this young age that he is loved, cherished and accepted by all who know him.

Now to another picture, one that exists only in my mind but is as clear to me as the one hanging on the wall in front of me today. 'Danny' is five years old and is hopping around excitedly in the living room dressed in his new school uniform while mum (that's me) does her best to do something with the unruly mop of curls on the top his head.

His cheeks are still chubby - his eyes are still smiley, he is a happy confident little boy eagerly anticipating his first day at school.

Here I will fast forward through infant school, where 'Danny' spent two happy years eager to get to school in the mornings and popular amongst his young peers, and on into the later years of junior school where I begin to notice a change in him.

He is no longer eager to go to school each day - is no longer asked to friends houses for tea (nor does he ask if they can come to ours) - he sobs uncontrollably on the morning of sports day begging me to let him stay home (he stays home!) and his smile no longer reaches his hazel green eyes.

Worried, I approach the school who convinced I am an over protective mother patronize me for half an hour before politely showing me the door.
I am still concerned by the change in him that only I seem to notice, and do my best to encourage him to open up, but to all intense and purpose he is fine. The school report no evidence of bullying, 'Danny' won't (or can't) tell me whats wrong, and his grades remain promising.

Fast forward again.. 'Danny' is now somewhere between the age of twelve and thirteen and in secondary school, the lad he is now bears almost no resemblance to the three year old I described at the beginning of this post.
He is introvert, sulky, in trouble at school (nothing major but enough to prompt the school to tell me on a regular basis what a pain in the arse my child is!)  and his grades are dropping.

Now what I do know at this point in his life is that he is Gay -  he hasn't told me this, and for all I know hasn't yet realised himself - but I know, I am sure of it, don't ask me how I know, I just do.

What I am not aware of, and won't be for another few months is that he is being bullied!
The school tell me there's not a problem, 'Danny' tells me there is not a problem - until one summers day toward the end of August just after his thirteenth birthday.

I am enjoying a well earned cup of tea in the back garden, nursing the mother of all headaches, and the phone rings - It's 'Danny', and he is in a terrible state, I can barely make out what he's saying, he's sobbing and whispering my name over and over, which at this point is all he can manage.

I tell him to come home, right now! - Do not ask permission, do not explain to the teacher why you are leaving the school, do not pass go!  Stay on the phone and come home - which is what he does.

When he arrives home he falls sobbing into my arms but can't tell me whats wrong. We hug for a while until he has calmed down a bit, and then I suggest he go up stairs and lay down for a while. This gives me time to think about what I need to say to him, throw some more pain killers down my throat, and work my way through half a packet of cigarettes.

I'm nervous as I climb the stairs - what if I'm wrong, if I throw this thing out there and I'm barking up the wrong tree will he ever forgive me.

I find him curled up in a vulnerable ball when I enter his room, 'Christina Aguilera' fills the room, and behind the music 'Danny's racking sobs. I cross the room, and then sitting on the edge of the bed put one hand on his shoulder to announce my presence while reaching with the other hand to turn 'Christina' down to a more acceptable level!

"What is it son" I ask, and he, still sobbing, still with his back to me, "I cant tell you mum", I turn him around so that (despite the fact that he can't bring himself to look at me) we are at least face to face.

I say, "Danny, there is nothing in this world that you could ever say to me that would stop me loving you", he doesn't answer but he does look up at me, I cannot begin to describe the pain in his eye's, but his expression is one of pleading.

Okay, here I go, sink or swim! "Danny' are you gay?" - no answer, but no horror or anger in his expression either, he looks down, and then after what seems like forever - quietly, whispering "I'm Gay mum" .... my answer, "I know".

Turns out the school bullies had that day put posters of my gorgeous boy up all around the school corridors with a phone number underneath his profile, and the words.. 'I LIKE BOYS, CALL ME'

My son is twenty seven years old now, he still turns his head to the side when he smiles, his skin is still 'baby bum like' and his smile always reaches his hazel green eyes.
Oh! he is also extremely, unashamedly, wonderfully GAY! - I couldn't love him more if I tried.

PRAYER
LORD, I thank you for my children, the disabled one, the scatty one, the bubbly one, the hyperactive one and the GAY one. They are all exactly as you made them and all perfect in your eye's. AND MINE! Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
That's easy MY KIDS!

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                        

Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved





Extremely, Unashamedly, Wonderfully Gay. I can see Danny so clearly as I write...

32 comments :

  1. What a wisdom, Kimmie. Thank you very much for sharing. Fortunately, I had loving parents, though they would not have dared what you did. But our thoughts should go to those disowned or worse just for being who they are and being as the have been crreated.
    Thanks for sharing. love from the Netherlands

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  2. Yes agree, we are all who we are, being Gay isn't a life style choice and no one should feel ashamed or feel the need to hide who they are! Thank you for your comment :)

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  3. I knew you were a lovely person can tell from how you write what a lovely mum you are. Our kids unconditional love how sad kids/people are to judge. How awful too be bullied at such a young age. Loved reading your blogg your a special mum.

    Sophie xx

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  4. Not perfect by any means hun, I let them down terribly when still caught in the world of gambling addiction, I shouted at times and prayed for bed time on the bad days just like most mums I suspect but I love them all with all my heart and we are close! Bullying is awful your right and watching your child suffer is any mothers worst nightmare!

    Thank you for your kind words, means a lot!

    God bless you and yours

    Kimmie x

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  5. Would like to join your blog but I don't know how. I recently created a blog please feel free to follow it. MyJourneyIntoRecovery@blog spot.com.

    Joanne

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  6. What a wonderful post - so carefully written to bring out a rollercoaster of emotions - you gave me goosebumps & made me smile. I'm so glad your boy is happy x

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    1. Thank you Collette, I cry, 'goosebump' and smile myself whenever I read these memories back - such a gorgeous child and now a man I am incredibly proud of :)

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie x

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  7. I'm so glad he's happy now - what a fabulous mum you are! Thank you for sharing. xxx

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    1. Iv'e had my fair share of 'bad mum' moments I have to say - a past gambling addiction and symptoms of mental illness meant I was often far from perfect but I like to think I got this one right :)

      Thanks again for reading/sharing X

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  8. This is beautiful! Brought such a huge smile to my face. Your son is a lucky man!

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    1. Aw Thanks Keisha, I'm glad it made you smile .... my son has a very lucky mummy :)

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  9. brilliant - so lovely - my Dani was gay - children are what they are and as parents we love them no matter what, we celebrate their differences, we celebrate who they are.

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    1. "Celebrate who they are" .... Absolutely! :)

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read/comment.

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  10. You're a wonderful mom - thank goodness you were able to say in words what he was too troubled to!! And, thank goodness he had you to support him through that difficult phase!

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  11. How sad that your son went through such pain and such fear and doubt. How wonderful that you were able to give him what he needed, and say the words he couldn't.

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    1. Very sad at the time Yvonne..he's fabulously happy now though..he turns 30 this year :)

      Thanks for reading X

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  12. This post made my day. Thank you for sharing your story! I loved it and wish 'Danny' the best!

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    1. Aw Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :)

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  13. Still love this. And Danny looks SO happy. You're awesome.

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  14. Beautiful, beautiful post!! Beautiful, beautiful son with a mother whose love and understanding is in itself, a most beautiful thing! Lovely to meet you Danny... :) xx

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    1. Aw, Thanks Lynn :)... I'm glad you enjoyed the post xxxx

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  15. Thank you for sharing your story. Education and open communication is the key to acceptance for all.
    Kimberly

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  16. So sorry your son had to go through that experience--or that ANY child has to. But thankfully he has a mom like you. And hopefully the more you share your story, and others hear and read about it, the more quickly this terrible stigma will be erased.

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  17. Replies
    1. *Smiles* :)

      Thanks for taking the time to read/comment x

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  18. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being you, too. I'm happy to know you and to learn more about your family and I love the way Danny tilts his head to the side as he smiles. He's lucky he has you for his mom.

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