Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Christmas - Once more with feeling

Life's tough at the moment, overwhelmingly so, my existing health issues are exacerbated, and I'm struggling, mentally, physically and emotionally, but, despite a head full of blogger fodder, there'll be no real ramble tonight.
It's almost Christmas, and Christmas is my favorite, so.. I'll share with you my 'Merry and Bright' for now, and leave my misery for after the festivities.

Just briefly though, I will explain to you why I chose *Once more with feeling* as the title for this post, because, well, it makes no sense otherwise (other than to me) ....

....We had a call in October, informing us that our Landlord is selling our home.
We will get two months notice once he's sold the property..we don't want to leave..I feel safe here, we are happy here, and have been for many years.

Initially (with Christmas in mind) I decided that I wouldn't deck the halls to my usual (over the top) standard this year, the decs usually take me weeks to put up (owing to health issues) and almost as long to take down/pack away, so I decided I'd just put a small tree up for 'Littlie' in the living room.

'Littlie' (who is disabled) is physically challenged (more so than usual at the moment) and her behaviour is becoming more and more challenging by the day, on top of that my own health issues are as bad as they've ever been, and we're having to deal with all sorts of people (I don't do strangers easily) and with the stress that goes hand-in-hand with losing one home, and 'attempting' to find another. - It seemed sensible to keep the decorations to a minimum.

However, after some thought, I realised that 'Littlie', who has no idea she's about to lose the only home she's ever known, would know something was wrong if mummy (that's me) didn't do the usual over the top thing.

So, my friends....for 'Littlies' sake, our home, 'Once more with feeling', has been well and truly Christmassed, and I'd love to share it with you.

Welcome to my home (for now, it is still my home)
Heating's on, kettle's on, and there's mince pies in the tin (help yourselves) X

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

kimmie X

My daughters eyes are shinning, as a child's eyes should. :O)

Thank you God, for the kick up the bum, and for the 'Merry and bright', Amen. 

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Sometimes (Like Now)

Thunder crashing in my head
It’s three am, I should be in bed
And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop
I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’
And the wheels keep on turning.

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched
No time to eat and I’ve drank too much
And the wheels keep on turning.

Fourteen, twenty, on the nose
Despair, elation, such highs, such lows
And the wheels keep on turning.

4.00am on the loo, (had no choice)
Praying out loud, Is that really my voice
And the wheels keep on turning.

Iv'e tried hard to stop, Iv'e really tried
I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!
And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.
Just can’t stop!
And the wheels keep on turning.

One evening - Just over ten years ago (after hitting rock bottom) I went (back) to GA (Gamblers anonymous). It was one of the best decisions I ever made!

My children got their mum back! 

Sometimes (Like now) I am consumed by symptoms of mental illness, sometimes (like now) I am overwhelmed by life in general - especially (like now) when security feels threatened, and I feel I have no control over my situation, sometimes (like now) I am 'stuck-In-Scared' every minute of everyday, and best part of the night! (All the reasons I gambled in the first place) and I'm tempted - I crave the (temporary) relief that I know gambling would bring. 

Sometimes (like here > Just For Today I will Not Gamble! I need to remind myself of my reasons for choosing to drive past the casino that night, and head to a GA meeting instead. 

Sometimes (Like now) I need to remember my reasons for abstaining for the past ten years.  

I can't think of a better reason than - *My children have their mum back* ~  Just for today I will not gamble.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." 

God, Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God  bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x  

Monday, 24 November 2014

#MicroPoetry 'Echos In The Dark'

 Copyright©2014 kimmie All Rights Reserved

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

Monday, 17 November 2014

We Love You Littlie

My child
Taken from arms
Tubed, tested, incubated

languid in arms
Weak, floppy, fading

loved in arms
praying - can we keep you

Special care
 Special needs
Just special 

Strengthened in arms 

safe in arms

You did it
you did it all 
 First smile 
first word 
First everything

A bit late
(very late)
 but you did it!

Stunningly beautiful, wonderful child
you're so loved 
by us 
By all who know you

Proud of you darling x

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie X